Updated: Sep 3
Welcome back to our ongoing exploration of the complex topic of Coercive Control. In our previous blogs, we delved into the reasons behind low convictions for this crime of abuse despite numerous reports to the police. Now, let's shift our focus to a critical aspect - the fear of leaving.
Key issue effecting reporting.
Coercive Control, the fear of leaving.
When we look at coercive control or any form of abuse, especially when children are
involved, the only thing that we want as protective parents is to take care of our children to
the best of our ability and create a life for them where they are able to have peaceful hearts
full of joyful experiences. So, in the initial stages of making a decision as to whether or not to pursue a conviction of coercive control once they leave the relationship or indeed to start the process of leaving this type of relationship, as many do not have the strength due to the insidious nature of coercive control. This decision would have been the hardest decision one can make throughout this whole relationship. I speak from experience, the fearful thought processes that are attached to this stage cannot be described with words. The fear is unbearable, therefore, the decision to ‘break free’ from coercive control is one of the hardest decisions to make through fear. This fear extends to financial and economic abuse, and the fear of post separation abuse.
There is always the gamble of remaining in our comfort zones, if we know the behaviours of the coercive controllers, if we know what makes them angry, if we know what pleases them,(though our value will always be compromised), if we can predict the coercive controllers’ behaviour while we are in, the relationship (especially if we have children with the coercive controller) that we may stand a better chance of protecting our children.
I feel it is essential to point this out here, because staying in a coercive, controlling relationship because we feel we will be able to protect our children better, is NOT a reason to stay, though it may feel that way. Believe me, it is not. Please consider the message and the value of being worthy of a good life that your children will be looking to you to provide for them. Although this may not be your thought process (there is no blame attached here) as the protective parent, I understand this thought process all too well. I have just lived this for 18 years, you are just trying to survive and protect your children in the best way you think based on what you are being subjected to. So I will gently say this, try to think of the possibility that your child may be looking to you to fix what they are being subjected to, try to think that your child is wanting to communicate this with you, whether they are able to communicate this with you or not. If you do not have children, apply the same possibilities to yourself. You are worthy and deserving, we all are!!
To conclude, on this especially sensitive issue due to the real emotions that can be attached there. I would now like to present some thought-provoking questions for us all to think about within coercive control. Does being really protect our children? Does witnessing a parent being abused, emotionally, psychologically, physically, economically really protect our children? Does accepting this abuse, which is a clear infringement on our human rights, benefit our growth, our empowerment, our mental health and well-being? Two things that you can focus on. The first is your power. You may not feel this way, but well, we possess a unique power, especially when we feel as though we don’t. Secondly, you have choices, not the choices you want. Of course, but choices no the less and from these choices, decisions can be made. My message is always relevant to finishing this sentence………
"Make choices and decision that will create peace in your heart."